ON BEING PERFECT

Today, I want to talk to you about perfectionism.  And before you think, “Well, that’s not me!”  I want you to know I believe that it is a silent killer…  it may not be you but at some point, you will meet one, minister to one or realize that you harbor one.

24 years ago, I was an anxiety ridden workaholic.   If you told me that I was a perfectionist, I would have laughed and told I couldn’t because I didn’t do anything right. I was in such a rush to PROVE myself and for me, that meant achievements.  I could never get there because once I “got there”, the bar was raised even higher. 

I was never the best at anything, always trying to fit in and, when people did like me, I was waiting for them to find out the truth about me.  The quest to be perfect was killing me and I wanted to be dead to end the pain of disappointment and loneliness. 

You see, perfectionism is like cancer.  It may start as some abnormal cells which may or may not become toxic. But in my case, the desire to improve oneself grew until it ate away at my creativity and, joy until finally it began killing my desire to do anything but what I thought would be ok.  Until, one day, I failed at even that.

The night I broke, I wrote to myself. The title of that writing was, “Who am I?”  And, the answer that came through the tears and pain was, “I don’t know.”

It is often our attempts to be right, correct or “perfect” in another’s eye that lays the seeds of doubt in our own divine self.  Gautama Buddha has been quoted as saying:

“It is our very search for perfection outside of ourselves that causes suffering.”  

And it is that struggle to find the THING that will guide us into perfection that drives us from loving our already authentic self.  If I had a spiritual practice that involved inquiry, movement and breathwork, I can find authenticity.  Or maybe if I attend a Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance retreat, THAT will help me become more authentic. 

Therein lies the trap.  If I can seek authenticity, then I may find it someday by searching out the “THING” that will crack me open, shed some light and then, finally I am authentic.  If that is true, then the challenge becomes getting authentic enough – more perfectly authentic.  It is no longer about being me, but about seeking the “THING” that will make me, me.

EVERY faith tradition believes that there is a Divine spark in us that is God. That we are born into this world perfect.  We are the original, we are the authentic Suzanne, Richard, Natalie, Diane, Tony and every single one of us…  we are the original.   

Yet, it is often accepting the notion that authenticity is somehow equated to being perfect or right or fitting in that drives us from accepting ourselves exactly who we are.

We cannot be perfect.  We cannot achieve authenticity because we are already authentic.

Let that sink in.  There is no teacher, no practice, no book, quote or thing that will make us any more authentic than we are at this moment.  The pressure is off.  Laugh the laugh, smile the smile, let your shadow dance in its darkness… whatever it is, let it be free.  You need nothing but more freedom to be your perfectly imperfect self. 

Somewhere inside still exists my personal quest to be perfect.  Even if it is a barely noticeable whisper, it still exists because mistrust in my own divinity was taught to me, to my parents and their parents and so on and so on…

Stick with it.  Authenticity cannot be a quest, for it is granted freely by your very existence.  

Your honesty, your awkwardness, your humanity and your fallibility allow others to find their own humanity and honesty.  The most endearing human quality we have is our fallibility. And our willingness to share it, expose it and to grow from it.  And, I think, as ministers our honesty and vulnerability, is the quality that offers others a deeper level of healing. 

We need nothing but more freedom to be our perfectly imperfect selves.  

There was this wise woman who showed up in my early days of healing who helped strip away perfectionism from my authentic self.  When I made a mistake or in those early years, FAILED, she would kindly say, “Honey, all this means is that you’re human.  You are loved just the way you are.”  

What if, before you were born, your parents adhered to the advice from William Martin’s book, The Parent’s Tao Te Ching; Ancient Advice for Modern Parents.  

Make the Ordinary Come Alive 

Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives.

Such striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

                      The extraordinary will take care of itself.

You have all you need to be your perfectly imperfect and beautiful self…