Today, I want to talk to you
about perfectionism. And before you
think, “Well, that’s not me!” I want you
to know I believe that it is a silent killer…
it may not be you but at some point, you will meet one, minister to one
or realize that you harbor one.
24 years ago, I was an anxiety
ridden workaholic. If you told me that
I was a perfectionist, I would have laughed and told I couldn’t because I
didn’t do anything right. I was in such a rush to PROVE myself and for me, that
meant achievements. I could never get
there because once I “got there”, the bar was raised even higher.
I was never the best at anything, always
trying to fit in and, when people did like me, I was waiting for them to find
out the truth about me. The quest to be perfect was
killing me and I wanted to be dead to end the pain of disappointment and
loneliness.
You see, perfectionism is like
cancer. It may start as some abnormal
cells which may or may not become toxic. But in my case, the desire to improve
oneself grew until it ate away at my creativity and, joy until finally it began
killing my desire to do anything but what I thought would be ok. Until, one day, I failed at even that.
The night I broke, I wrote to myself.
The title of that writing was, “Who am I?”
And, the answer that came through the tears and pain was, “I don’t
know.”
It is often our attempts to be right, correct
or “perfect” in another’s eye that lays the seeds of doubt in our own divine
self. Gautama Buddha has been quoted as
saying:
“It is
our very search for perfection outside of ourselves that causes
suffering.”
And it is that struggle to find
the THING that will guide us into perfection that drives us from loving our
already authentic self. If I had a spiritual practice
that involved inquiry, movement and breathwork, I can find authenticity. Or maybe if I attend a Tara Brach, Radical
Acceptance retreat, THAT will help me become more authentic.
Therein lies the trap. If I can seek authenticity, then I may find
it someday by searching out the “THING” that will crack me open, shed some
light and then, finally I am authentic. If
that is true, then the challenge becomes getting authentic enough – more perfectly
authentic. It is no longer about being
me, but about seeking the “THING” that will make me, me.
EVERY faith tradition believes
that there is a Divine spark in us that is God. That we are born into this
world perfect. We are the original, we
are the authentic Suzanne, Richard, Natalie, Diane, Tony and every single one
of us… we are
the original.
Yet, it is often accepting
the notion that authenticity is somehow equated to being perfect or right or
fitting in that drives us from accepting ourselves exactly who we are.
We cannot be perfect. We cannot achieve authenticity because we are
already authentic.
Let that sink in. There is no teacher, no practice, no book,
quote or thing that will make us any more authentic than we are at this
moment. The pressure is off. Laugh the laugh, smile the smile, let your
shadow dance in its darkness… whatever it is, let it be free. You need nothing but more freedom to be your
perfectly imperfect self.
Somewhere inside still exists my
personal quest to be perfect. Even if it
is a barely noticeable whisper, it still exists because mistrust in my own
divinity was taught to me, to my parents and their parents and so on and so on…
Stick with it. Authenticity cannot be a quest, for it is
granted freely by your very existence.
Your honesty, your awkwardness,
your humanity and your fallibility allow others to find their own humanity and
honesty. The most endearing human
quality we have is our fallibility. And our willingness to share it, expose it
and to grow from it. And, I think, as
ministers our honesty and vulnerability, is the quality that offers others a deeper
level of healing.
We need nothing but more freedom
to be our perfectly imperfect selves.
There was this wise woman who
showed up in my early days of healing who helped strip away perfectionism from my
authentic self. When I made a mistake or
in those early years, FAILED, she would kindly say, “Honey, all this means is
that you’re human. You are loved just
the way you are.”
What if, before you were born,
your parents adhered to the advice from William Martin’s book, The Parent’s Tao Te Ching; Ancient Advice
for Modern Parents.
Make the
Ordinary Come Alive
Do not
ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such
striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them
instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them
the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them
how to cry when pets and people die.
Show them
the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand.
And make
the ordinary come alive for them.
The
extraordinary will take care of itself.
You have all you need to be your
perfectly imperfect and beautiful self…
