ON THE USE OF THE WORD "AND"

There is the meme floating about on the internet that goes like this:"If Methadone is free for addicts because they have a disease... Why is chemo not free for cancer patients?"

Freedom is more about feeling than things.

There are so many memes, comments and similar sayings proliferating out in cyberland.  I wonder if the poster truly thought about the intent when they shared its "wisdom".  In this case, were they arguing for free-health-care-for-all, a single-payor system of health care or were they saying one population was more deserving than another?

 What if the meme's message was more positive and inclusive?  "Methadone is free for addicts because they have a disease "and" since cancer is also a disease, let's work towards free chemo!"

 The message doesn't incite a them-against-us attitude and it ends in a call to action.  Unlike the other meme, there is no question, there is no sense of victimization (why is such a tricky word), there is a call to work for a solution.

"And" together we can get enough!

I'm not saying that the second meme "works" from an effective marketing point of view.   Fear and anger are effective weapons and, when you can direct these at an "enemy" then the "marketing' can draw others who are fearful or angry at that enemy.  In the case of the first meme - anger directed at the addict, the "inherent unfairness" at the "innocent" cancer patient being victimized by resources being taken from the innocent to the guilty addict.

Here, the energy builds away from a solution towards a for and against the "other" - addict or cancer patient?  What if we worked for both - the addict and the cancer patient?  Why must it be one group or another?

Ah, Americans...  is there not enough for all?  Must we always find someone to blame or vilify?  Could we look at these things, the rush of information and think, hmmm...?

I betcha if we really dig deep or if we really believed that the bucket of goodness was infinite and overflowing, we might actually find out that its true.  You can have it all and guess what, so can the person next to you on the subway.

Diving in can feel so good!

And this isn't just about one of the more milder memes but really about the whole concept of inclusion.  "And" is such a powerful word.  You and your neighbor can have it all.  We should work towards peace and harmony without demonizing a group or person to motivate us to seek solutions rather than rest comfortably with the problem.

It takes three things - 1) the willingness to look at things differently, 2) to practice drawing from the infinite bucket of goodness, and; 3) envisioning that everyone has access to that bucket and when they dip their hands in and grab a bit of the good stuff, the bucket fills and maybe, even overflows.

Reverend Suzanne
One Spirit Interfaith Interspiritual Seminary, Class of 2017

ON BEING PERFECT

Today, I want to talk to you about perfectionism.  And before you think, “Well, that’s not me!”  I want you to know I believe that it is a silent killer…  it may not be you but at some point, you will meet one, minister to one or realize that you harbor one.

24 years ago, I was an anxiety ridden workaholic.   If you told me that I was a perfectionist, I would have laughed and told I couldn’t because I didn’t do anything right. I was in such a rush to PROVE myself and for me, that meant achievements.  I could never get there because once I “got there”, the bar was raised even higher. 

I was never the best at anything, always trying to fit in and, when people did like me, I was waiting for them to find out the truth about me.  The quest to be perfect was killing me and I wanted to be dead to end the pain of disappointment and loneliness. 

You see, perfectionism is like cancer.  It may start as some abnormal cells which may or may not become toxic. But in my case, the desire to improve oneself grew until it ate away at my creativity and, joy until finally it began killing my desire to do anything but what I thought would be ok.  Until, one day, I failed at even that.

The night I broke, I wrote to myself. The title of that writing was, “Who am I?”  And, the answer that came through the tears and pain was, “I don’t know.”

It is often our attempts to be right, correct or “perfect” in another’s eye that lays the seeds of doubt in our own divine self.  Gautama Buddha has been quoted as saying:

“It is our very search for perfection outside of ourselves that causes suffering.”  

And it is that struggle to find the THING that will guide us into perfection that drives us from loving our already authentic self.  If I had a spiritual practice that involved inquiry, movement and breathwork, I can find authenticity.  Or maybe if I attend a Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance retreat, THAT will help me become more authentic. 

Therein lies the trap.  If I can seek authenticity, then I may find it someday by searching out the “THING” that will crack me open, shed some light and then, finally I am authentic.  If that is true, then the challenge becomes getting authentic enough – more perfectly authentic.  It is no longer about being me, but about seeking the “THING” that will make me, me.

EVERY faith tradition believes that there is a Divine spark in us that is God. That we are born into this world perfect.  We are the original, we are the authentic Suzanne, Richard, Natalie, Diane, Tony and every single one of us…  we are the original.   

Yet, it is often accepting the notion that authenticity is somehow equated to being perfect or right or fitting in that drives us from accepting ourselves exactly who we are.

We cannot be perfect.  We cannot achieve authenticity because we are already authentic.

Let that sink in.  There is no teacher, no practice, no book, quote or thing that will make us any more authentic than we are at this moment.  The pressure is off.  Laugh the laugh, smile the smile, let your shadow dance in its darkness… whatever it is, let it be free.  You need nothing but more freedom to be your perfectly imperfect self. 

Somewhere inside still exists my personal quest to be perfect.  Even if it is a barely noticeable whisper, it still exists because mistrust in my own divinity was taught to me, to my parents and their parents and so on and so on…

Stick with it.  Authenticity cannot be a quest, for it is granted freely by your very existence.  

Your honesty, your awkwardness, your humanity and your fallibility allow others to find their own humanity and honesty.  The most endearing human quality we have is our fallibility. And our willingness to share it, expose it and to grow from it.  And, I think, as ministers our honesty and vulnerability, is the quality that offers others a deeper level of healing. 

We need nothing but more freedom to be our perfectly imperfect selves.  

There was this wise woman who showed up in my early days of healing who helped strip away perfectionism from my authentic self.  When I made a mistake or in those early years, FAILED, she would kindly say, “Honey, all this means is that you’re human.  You are loved just the way you are.”  

What if, before you were born, your parents adhered to the advice from William Martin’s book, The Parent’s Tao Te Ching; Ancient Advice for Modern Parents.  

Make the Ordinary Come Alive 

Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives.

Such striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

                      The extraordinary will take care of itself.

You have all you need to be your perfectly imperfect and beautiful self… 

ON BECOMING DEPLORABLE

There is this slow progression from being concerned to embracing social activism for the good of humanity into self-righteous behavior.  You often don't know it's happening.  You see, your friends feel the same way, you read articles that support your thinking and, when you do speak, you're often debating point for point and fact for fact.

Those debates feel so good.  You get braver and you move off those folks known to be moderate may have no idea on where the original statement came from.  You love a good fight, a healthy debate so you dip your "pen" in the dark, dark zones.  There they call you a BABY KILLER for doing the March.  And in another,  they call you a stupid "c".

In my America, we should wear our hats safely

You get a little frightened and you change your privacy settings.  Will they come find me?  Will they hurt my dogs?  You stop wearing your March cap even though you love the look and you think it makes you cool and cute.  Will someone say something to me if they see me wearing it?  Will I be called a baby killer or a "c"?

But, you're on the right side, right?  Of course!  Yes, I am right!

Today, at the Post Office, I became what I fear the most.

I walked in and there was a man walking out of the first section.  He had a beautiful smile - wide and toothy.  He welcomed me with that smile and a friendly hello.  I returned the same.  Then I noticed... he wore a red baseball cap.  I couldn't help myself and I peered closely at it.  There it was, "Make America Great Again".

As much I tried to hold my tongue, I heard these words leaving my mouth, "You know, I hate that hat and everything it represents."

This man, whom I already categorized and judged, replied as gently and calmly as I did, "I know and that's OK."  His smile was a little less brilliant but his eyes were bright and peaceful.  I nodded and went in.

I stopped before the door shut, turned and walked back out to him.  "I am sorry that I said that to you.  It was rude and wrong."  He smiled and said, "That's ok."

For one moment today, I became a deplorable.  And, that is never ok!

ANGRY ELF!

So I spent many a year dealing with my "anger" issues.  I smiled when I wanted to scream. In negotiations, I got what I wanted more often than not by pushing, prodding and relentless badgering. Things had an intensity that far outweighed any potential disastrous results. Everything felt like a life and death battle - win or perish.

Gotta say, the result of all those battles, all those perceived threats and all that intensity was a lonely, fearful life always on guard... just waiting for the house of cards to fall.  And, you know?  A healthy, happy life can not be sustained if one is living only to control the next disaster...

So why is everyone so ANGRY? {rhetorical question}

I'd love to blame it on the new Administration, but alas, this has been building up far longer than the 2016 election.  Our rhetoric has gotten so ugly that even well constructed arguments often have hate and anger built in.

One poster (with well over 1,000 friends) touted the strengths of the very recent pick for the Supreme Court and then added - "But the main reason why I know the pick is brilliant is that liberals are apoplectic over it. "  I was confused on why he'd be happy that "liberals would be apoplectic over it".  {another rhetorical question.} It's a comment that is intended to inflame in what otherwise was a well constructed opinion

It's almost surreal.  It's like there is an alternate universe out there spinning good things into bad.  And, when there is something really good, something so inherently impossible to make bad someone in the alternate universe connects the goodness to an unrelated bad.

Has a ROBUST veterans program

Was not illegal!

Here is a meme, one of many that get posted everyday.  It must feel good to the poster that they had a say, but what did they say?  Do they know that Starbucks has a great program to hire vets and provide resources for their families?  Sadly, they post without research.  Oh and before you get all high and mighty, I see this type of unresearched inflammatory stuff from the other perspective.  BTW, DT's mother was not illegal!

 It's like the anger, the life and death daily battle I waged in the past is now Americana.  Do we need collective therapy?  Do we need to spend hours shopping for the right self help book?  Do we need a good 12 step program for being addicted to our own opinions?  Or do we simply need to let go of being right and pray to be open to other ideas.

Anger will not change anyone.  Battling is all about winning or losing.  What if we engaged someone in conversation and I mean conversation, not holding silent while another talks until we get to talk.  I mean listening to understand and holding the belief that letting go of an idea or perceived truth is not loss but gain.

Of course, all this is incredibly easy IF I listen to you AND you believe everything I say AND agree that it is the real truth.  Oh my, that would be easy...  but that too is living in an alternative universe.

Alas, social warriors (lower case or capital letter types), this may be a time of name-calling and personal attacks.  Key word is "may".  I encourage all of us to take the tenacity of our past and calmly pray for the goodness of humankind.  If Americana needs a bit of self-help and therapy, maybe our role is to be it's counselor by helping it find its way without fighting to win.  We can guide it with information, truth and kind persistency.

OK, I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that I often reach for the non-existent  WTF icon...  I am still human!  Now, let's do that thang!

WHY I MARCH...

Paypal alerted me that I purchased 3 bus tickets, the payment was accepted and that I was officially traveling to Washington DC to participate in the Women's March on Washington.  The anticipation, the thrill and the sense of purpose filled my body and soul.  I would make a difference.  I would no longer be silent.

Standing up and out!

Some want me to make this a protest against the incoming administration and to show contempt for their cabinet selections.  While I do not agree with much that has happened and am often reaching for the non-existent WTF button on Facebook, I do believe in our Democracy and in the Republic for which I stand.

Naive?  Never take this belief as validation of any wrongs done past, present or future.  Never! 

I march because, inherent in that belief, is the importance of free expression of THE PEOPLE!

I march because I am a single white woman who stayed silent for too long.  I stayed silent because my career said that I had to fit a certain mold or it would be a narrow one.  I stayed silent because I harbored fear that if I exposed myself, I would be labeled, ostracized and yes, even hurt.

And, I also stayed silent because I liked you.  I liked you who surprised me with your votes.  I liked you even when you posted fake news and unresearched or validated statements.  I even liked you who knew that blatant lies were passed as truths even when we could replay the lies over and over again on tape and in writing.  I was confused and concerned but liking you tempered my comments and quieted my speech.

I march because I cannot be silent any longer.

Sometimes service is not gentle!

Most, if not every, major faith tradition and spirituality has a teacher or a deity that preaches compassion and charity towards the poor, the sick and the suffering.  Charity is not always about giving money and being done with it.  Charity is also about giving your time to help those who want to better themselves and to support those that are suffering.  It is also about how we speak and act in this world.  Hate and hateful language has no place at all.

I march because I need our government to remember THE PEOPLE count.  I need me as a person to count.  I march because I need for the people to remember that the people count.

I march for dignity, respect and honor for all people.  And, our legislators need to know that we will no longer be silent.  We will no longer be silent and our voices will continue to rise until you acknowledge that we have been heard.